The abuser directs some of this fury inwards, punishing himself for his “failure”. This masochistic behavior has the added “benefit” of forcing the abuser’s closest to assume the roles of dismayed spectators or of persecutors and thus, either way, to pay him the attention that he craves.

Self-administered punishment often manifests as self-handicapping masochism – a cop-out. By undermining his work, his relationships, and his efforts, the increasingly fragile abuser avoids additional criticism and censure (negative supply). Self-inflicted failure is the abuser’s doing and thus proves that he is the master of his own fate.

Masochistic abusers keep finding themselves in self-defeating circumstances which render success impossible – and "an objective assessment of their performance improbable" (Millon, 2000). They act carelessly, withdraw in mid-effort, are constantly fatigued, bored, or disaffected and thus passive-aggressively sabotage their lives. Their suffering is defiant and by “deciding to abort” they reassert their omnipotence.

The abuser’s pronounced and public misery and self-pity are compensatory and "reinforce (his) self-esteem against overwhelming convictions of worthlessness" (Millon, 2000). His tribulations and anguish render him, in his eyes, unique, saintly, virtuous, righteous, resilient, and significant. They are, in other words, self-generated Narcissistic Supply.

Thus, paradoxically, the worst his anguish and unhappiness, the more relieved and elated such an abuser feels! He is “liberated” and “unshackled” by his own self-initiated abandonment, he insists. He never really wanted this commitment, he tells any willing (or buttonholed) listener – and anyhow, the relationship was doomed from the beginning by the egregious excesses and exploits of his wife (or partner or friend or boss).


(Source: samvak.tripod.com)

"

Are You Being Gaslighted?
TURN UP YOUR GASLIGHT RADAR.
CHECK FOR THESE TWENTY TALLTALE SIGNS

Gaslighting may not involve all of these experiences or feelings, but if you recognize yourself in any of them, give it extra attention.

1. You are constantly second-guessing yourself.
2. You ask yourself, “Am I too sensitive?” a dozen times a day.
3. You often feel confused and even crazy at work.
4. You’re always apologizing to your mother, father, boyfriend, boss.
5. You wonder frequently if you are “good enough” girlfriend/wife/employee/friend/daughter.
6. You can’t understand why, with so many apparently good things in your life, you aren’t happier.
7. You buy clothes for yourself, furnishings for your apartment, or other personal purchases with your partner in mind, thinking about what he would like instead of what would make you feel great.
8. You frequently make excuses for your partner’s behavior to friends and family.
9. You find yourself withholding information from your friends and family so you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
10. You know something is terribly wrong, but you can never quite express what it is, even to yourself.
11. You start lying to avoid the put-downs and reality twists.
12. You have trouble making simple decisions.
13. You think twice before bringing up seemingly innocent topics of conversation.
14. Before your partner comes home, you run through a checklist in your head to anticipate anything you might have done wrong that day.
15. You have the sense that you used to be a very different person—more confident, more fun-loving, more relaxed.
16. You start speaking to your husband through his secretary so you don’t have to tell him things you’re afraid might upset him.
17. You feel as though you can’t do anything right.
18. Your kids begin trying to protect you from your partner.
19. You find yourself furious with people you’ve always gotten along with before.
20. You feel hopeless and joyless.

The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life by Dr. Robin Stern (via autistpsyche)

My life for many years. 

(via tierracita)

(Source: thechocolatebrigade)

"

Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another’s reality. This is done by telling them that what they are experiencing isn’t so – and, the gradual giving up on the part of the other person.

Robin Stern

Some more examples of gaslighting:

  • Forgetting or misremembering conversations or situations: “That isn’t what happened”, “That’s not what I remember” “You’re making that up”
  • Trivializing a partner’s concerns or feelings: “Why are you making a big deal out of something so small?” “You’re overreacting”
  • Feigning indifference or incredulation: “I don’t understand how you could interpret the situation like that”, “Why can’t you see that I’ve done nothing wrong?” “How could you be so crazy and irrational?”
  • Cutting off communication or refusal to speak to a partner when they don’t like what the partner is saying, “I don’t like your tone”, “I’m not going to discuss this with you when you’re so hysterical”, “This conversation is making me uncomfortable”.

The Masochistic Avoidant Situation

The abuser directs some of this fury inwards, punishing himself for his “failure”. This masochistic behavior has the added “benefit” of forcing the abuser’s closest to assume the roles of dismayed spectators or of persecutors and thus, either way, to pay him the attention that he craves.

Self-administered punishment often manifests as self-handicapping masochism – a cop-out. By undermining his work, his relationships, and his efforts, the increasingly fragile abuser avoids additional criticism and censure (negative supply). Self-inflicted failure is the abuser’s doing and thus proves that he is the master of his own fate.

Masochistic abusers keep finding themselves in self-defeating circumstances which render success impossible – and "an objective assessment of their performance improbable" (Millon, 2000). They act carelessly, withdraw in mid-effort, are constantly fatigued, bored, or disaffected and thus passive-aggressively sabotage their lives. Their suffering is defiant and by “deciding to abort” they reassert their omnipotence.

The abuser’s pronounced and public misery and self-pity are compensatory and "reinforce (his) self-esteem against overwhelming convictions of worthlessness" (Millon, 2000). His tribulations and anguish render him, in his eyes, unique, saintly, virtuous, righteous, resilient, and significant. They are, in other words, self-generated Narcissistic Supply.

Thus, paradoxically, the worst his anguish and unhappiness, the more relieved and elated such an abuser feels! He is “liberated” and “unshackled” by his own self-initiated abandonment, he insists. He never really wanted this commitment, he tells any willing (or buttonholed) listener – and anyhow, the relationship was doomed from the beginning by the egregious excesses and exploits of his wife (or partner or friend or boss).

Posted : 1 year ago
tags: #gaslighting

Examples of gaslighting from my last relationship

"You’re imagining things."

"You misunderstood the situation."

"I’m not going to listen to you when you get like this."

"I don’t like your tone."

"If you feel that way, then I’m sorry, but that’s not how it is."

"I didn’t do anything wrong."

"There’s nothing going on."

"You’re wrong. That’s not what we talked about."

"Why are you acting like this? You’re being irrational."

"I don’t understand why you’re upset. There isn’t a problem here."